{"id":12380,"date":"2021-10-06T16:21:46","date_gmt":"2021-10-06T16:21:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/?p=12380"},"modified":"2021-10-06T16:21:46","modified_gmt":"2021-10-06T16:21:46","slug":"this-is-what-it-means-to-be-dyscalculic","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/en\/this-is-what-it-means-to-be-dyscalculic\/","title":{"rendered":"This is What it Means to be Dyscalculic"},"content":{"rendered":"

This is What it Means to be Dyscalculic: The learning disability hardly anyone knows about<\/h1>\n
\n
\n

KINDERGARTEN<\/strong><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t care because I don\u2019t understand it so it\u2019s easier not to care.<\/p>\n

I am in kindergarten. I love books. I love to read.<\/p>\n

I love books so much my mother has to purchase a set of of those Dick & Jane readers to keep me from stealing them from the school.<\/p>\n

Later, in first and second grade, my mother reads\u00a0Nancy Drew<\/em>\u00a0books to me and I get impatient with her pace and insist on just reading them myself.<\/p>\n

(Much later, my mother tells me she thinks she let me read and \u201cbe too much of a free thinker\u201d as a child.)<\/p>\n

At this point, my mother is very proud of me, thinking of all the things I will be and do with my life.<\/p>\n

I have yet to be introduced to math.<\/p>\n

FOURTH GRADE<\/strong><\/p>\n

I am in fourth grade. I\u2019ve done okay up until this point, but now I\u2019m behind in math. My mother enrolls me in the Sylvan Learning Center for extra math help. I hate every moment of it but it must have helped to some degree because I always passed math classes, if only barely.<\/p>\n

I am in sixth grade. I receive my final report card for the year. I have a B in math and nearly break into tears thanking the teacher for that B. Confused and probably overwhelmed, he assures me I\u2019ve earned it. I don\u2019t believe him, but I also don\u2019t care. A B in math!<\/p>\n

I would have been nearly as grateful for a C.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\"Screenshot<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\n
\n
\n
<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\n
\n

HIGH SCHOOL<\/strong><\/p>\n

I am in high school algebra. I don\u2019t know what grade, it doesn\u2019t matter. None of it makes any sense. Sometimes I think I see the connections, sometimes I think\u00a0maybe\u2026 is that\u2026<\/em>\u00a0but almost as soon as I notice it the clarity is gone again.<\/p>\n

I hear people who hate literature and reading but love math say that literature is abstract and the meaning can change. Math, they say, is consistent. Reliable.<\/p>\n

I wonder what math they\u2019ve learned because I\u00a0always\u00a0<\/em>come up with different answers every time I try an equation.<\/p>\n

Found it.<\/p>\n

When I was a kid, I wanted to be MacGuyver. I wanted to do the cool kinds of things he did with the simple parts and chemicals lying around. In one episode, he refers to himself as a physicist so I decided to be a physicist.<\/p>\n

In high school, I find out physics is mostly math.<\/p>\n

I will never be MacGuyver.<\/p>\n

This is What it Means to be Dyscalculic: The learning disability hardly anyone knows about<\/p>\n

COLLEGE<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019m in college now. By this point, my parents understand that a D is technically a passing grade and that this is likely going to be the best they can expect from me.<\/p>\n

However, I am not going to make a D in college algebra.<\/p>\n

In fact, I am failing college algebra so spectacularly the instructor practically begs me to drop the class before the deadline. I would love to; my parents refuse because to them, dropping is giving up and giving up is failure and besides, they paid money for that class so I\u2019m going to finish.<\/p>\n

I fail. The grade goes on my college transcript.<\/p>\n

I have to take the equivalent class at the community college and transfer the grade. The community college isn\u2019t interested in real learning and even though I receive a B I don\u2019t feel like I\u2019ve earned it or learned anything.<\/p>\n

REAL WORLD JOB<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019m working a job out in the real world because my English degree doesn\u2019t mean anything when I don\u2019t want to teach. I have to handle money; I\u2019m flagged more than once for my count being off because I lose track of where I am and have to count the money many times before I\u2019m confident in the outcome. Even then, I\u2019m wrong sometimes.<\/p>\n

One of my co-workers tries to teach me an alternate method of counting change, but I can\u2019t even follow her explanation.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m frowning at an analog clock. My current place of employment has an event that takes place every twenty-five minutes but they don\u2019t give out a schedule of times and a customer has asked what time to come back in the afternoon. Internally I\u2019m screaming because why couldn\u2019t it be every thirty minutes, or every fifteen, or every hour? I know this shouldn\u2019t be this difficult.<\/p>\n

I also have to deal with the embarrassment of a supervisor obviously thinking I\u2019m stupid because I\u2019m not confident in my ability to give correct change from an old-fashioned cash register rather than the iPad we normally use.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s because the iPad does the math for me and once we move out of numbers that end in 0 or 5, or are longer than two numerals, I can no longer be certain I\u2019ll count it right without a calculator.<\/p>\n

I hate feeling stupid.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n
\n
\n
<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\"Screenshot<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\n
\n
\n
<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\n
\n

GRADUATE SCHOOL<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019m in graduate school. I\u2019m taking the required statistical and data analysis class. I cry while taking every quiz. At least they\u2019re online so I can cry in the privacy of my own home.<\/p>\n

In class, I think I understand. When I get home and try to do any of the work I can\u2019t remember any of the concepts that seemed so clear to me earlier.<\/p>\n

I think,\u00a0why can\u2019t I get this? Why can\u2019t I remember?<\/em><\/p>\n

Oh no help.<\/p>\n

Because of the stress, I start therapy. I\u2019m able to begin in the school\u2019s counseling center for free, but at the end of the semester they recommend I seek long-term counseling from a licensed therapist outside the school.<\/p>\n

The building isn\u2019t large; my new therapist\u2019s office is down the stairs in the small basement within eyesight of the steps.<\/p>\n

The first few times I go to an appointment, I exit her office and the space is completely unfamiliar to me. It takes me a few more seconds than it should to locate the stairs. This happens often, even in spaces that have become familiar to me.<\/p>\n

A friend makes a post on Facebook about\u00a0dyscalculia,\u00a0<\/em>a term I have never heard before\u2026 but I see the words \u201clearning disability related to math and numbers,\u201d and my interest is piqued.<\/p>\n

The list of symptoms sounds eerily familiar.<\/p>\n

Inability to grasp and remember math concepts, rules, formulas, sequence (order of operations), and basic math facts (+-x\/).<\/em><\/p>\n

Check.<\/p>\n

Poor memory (retention & retrieval) of math concepts- may be able to perform math operations one day, but draw a blank the next! May be able to do book work but then fails tests.<\/em><\/p>\n

Absolutely.<\/p>\n

Experiences anxiety during math tasks.<\/em><\/p>\n

Hahahahahahaha.<\/p>\n

Uses fingers to count. Loses track when counting. Cannot do mental math. Adds with dots or tally marks.<\/em><\/p>\n

I often use the number of angles or curves in the physical representation of the number and count them that\u00a0way.<\/em><\/p>\n

Inconsistent results in addition, subtraction, multiplication and division. Bad at financial planning and money management. Too slow at mental math to figure totals, change due, tip, tax.<\/em><\/p>\n

I feel called out by this list of symptoms, honestly.<\/p>\n

Mistaken recollection of names. Poor name-face association.*<\/em><\/p>\n

Wait, that\u2019s related to a math disability?<\/p>\n

I decide to talk to my therapist about the possibility of being assessed.<\/p>\n

Still in grad school. Same program, different class. Psychometrics. At this point, I have been assessed \u2014 the doctor who performed the assessment checked for a number of conditions, not just dyscalculia \u2014 and I\u2019ve been speaking with the psychometrics instructor since before the assessment.<\/p>\n

She assures me there will be little to no statistics or calculation.<\/p>\n

Every quiz is statistics and calculation to some degree.<\/p>\n

When we do our group project, I am happy to let someone else do the statistical and data analysis.<\/p>\n

I still have no idea how I passed that class.<\/p>\n

In the doctor\u2019s office, she tells me I have three diagnoses.<\/p>\n

Moderate unspecified ADD (my ability to focus and on what shifts too often to be more specifically identified).<\/p>\n

Moderate MDD, or major depressive disorder.<\/p>\n

And\u00a0mild<\/em>\u00a0dyscalculia.<\/p>\n

At first, the \u201cmild\u201d part confuses me; I knew it wasn\u2019t severe as there are some dyscalculics who can\u2019t even recognize numbers. But I had thought it would at least be moderate.<\/p>\n

She tells me that my verbal and non-verbal reasoning ability are so high, they have compensated for the learning disability. This is interesting, but I can\u2019t understand why it would shift the actual intensity of my learning disability from moderate to mild.<\/p>\n

After all, I may be a really good guesser, but I still don\u2019t understand the basic concepts.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n
\n
\n
<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\"Screenshot<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\n
\n
\n
<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
\n
\n

THIS is MacGuyver. There are no other MacGuyvers.<\/p>\n

PRESENT DAY<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve written this story in present tense, but now we really are in the present. I\u2019m almost 39 years old and have had these diagnoses for a year. I may write later on the ADD and MDD separately. Right now, I\u2019m about to graduate with an MS degree and the dyscalculia is what is most on my mind.<\/p>\n

Often, I think about the way I was deprived of the proper accommodations for learning I needed. I was a child in the 80s and learning disabilities were only just beginning to emerge into the general public. Children who didn\u2019t perform well were just lazy. I was a strange mix \u2014 I wasn\u2019t lazy, I just had difficulty understanding the basic principles of math so I hated it and avoided it when I could, but in every other subject I was\u00a0bored.\u00a0<\/em>If not for my math scores I might have ended up in the gifted and talented program.<\/p>\n

My graduate-level instructors become frustrated with me because to them, it sounds like I\u2019m saying I\u00a0can\u2019t do\u00a0<\/em>statistics \u2014 technically, I can\u2019t, not right now. Not to the level I need to in order to really succeed.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not actually saying this, though, what I\u2019m saying is that trying to teach me advanced-level math of any kind is a losing game because I never grasped the basic concepts. I never grasped the basic concepts because what I\u00a0needed\u00a0<\/em>was support, time, and repetition to a degree the school system was not at the time prepared or willing to give students. I\u2019m pretty sure school systems today aren\u2019t really equipped to deal with dyscalculic students because it\u2019s not as well-known as its sister learning disability, dyslexia.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m going to have to go back to the beginning. Re-learn (or rather, learn for the first time) everything I should have learned in elementary school, in middle school, in high school, and undergraduate college. I\u2019ve found some online tutorial systems that might be a place to start, but suspect eventually a human tutor will be in order.<\/p>\n

The moment when one realizes not everyone understands certain concepts to the same degree is an odd moment \u2014 when you become the one who can\u2019t understand something everyone else does, it\u2019s devastating.<\/p>\n

Learning it isn\u2019t your fault, that you\u2019re not actually stupid, is a relief in some ways, but traumatic in others. I\u00a0keep<\/em>\u00a0thinking about what would have happened if I\u2019d been diagnosed as a kid, if the school had been able to accommodate me to the degree I needed, if I had been given the tools I needed to understand and succeed rather than just being pushed along with barely passing grades because at least I passed.<\/p>\n

How would my life be different right now?<\/p>\n

Dyscalculia is real. If you or anyone you know nearly has a panic attack when thinking about math or trying to perform math, I recommend looking into this learning disability.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s worth it to know that you\u2019re not lazy and you\u2019re not stupid.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

This is What it Means to be Dyscalculic: The learning disability hardly anyone knows about<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This is What it Means to be Dyscalculic: The learning disability hardly anyone knows about KINDERGARTEN I don\u2019t care because I don\u2019t understand it so it\u2019s easier not to care. I am in kindergarten. I love books. I love to read. I love books so much my mother has to purchase a set of of Read More…<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":12381,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[56,661,1],"tags":[1146,1147,1148],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12380"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12380"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12380\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":12382,"href":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12380\/revisions\/12382"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/12381"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12380"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12380"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12380"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}