{"id":17261,"date":"2022-05-25T17:44:38","date_gmt":"2022-05-25T17:44:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/?p=17261"},"modified":"2022-05-25T17:44:38","modified_gmt":"2022-05-25T17:44:38","slug":"marriage-101","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/en\/marriage-101\/","title":{"rendered":"Marriage 101"},"content":{"rendered":"
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4.26.2022<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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Getty Images\/ MoMo Productions<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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Marriage advice<\/a> is easy to ignore until you need it. Who hasn\u2019t rolled their eyes at such trite aphorisms as \u201cSay sorry even if you don\u2019t mean it\u201d or \u201cDon\u2019t go to bed angry\u201d? These phrases tend to leak out of people\u2019s mouths around weddings and anniversaries but are barely helpful. True, lived-in advice for a long, happy marriage<\/a> isn\u2019t so tidy because neither are relationships.<\/p>\n

So, what is some honest, authentic advice from couples who\u2019ve been through the long haul? We recently asked 25 people who have been married for 25 plus years about what makes their relationship work. Cliches didn\u2019t enter the equation. Instead, their answers reflected a simple truth: long-term relationships are both easy and hard, but made better by honesty, fun, and a shared sense of unity. They urged communication and clarity. They underscored the importance of shared meals and spicing things up with dirty jokes. They emphasized appreciation and attention to detail. Here\u2019s what they said, and why it\u2019s helped them stay together for the long run.<\/p>\n

1. Accept and allow<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cThis is a mantra I picked up early on in our marriage, and it\u2019s one my husband and I have come to live by. I forget where I heard it, but it\u2019s basically a nice way of saying, \u2018You knew who your partner was when you got married, and you can\u2019t change them.\u2019 There were many things I wished I could change about my husband after we\u2019d been married for a little while. But I realized I loved him, and it was a waste of time to dwell on them. I needed to accept him for who he was, and allow him to be himself. That doesn\u2019t mean we can\u2019t get upset, or voice concerns. It just means that we\u2019re committed unconditionally to the person we married, even when they drive us crazy.\u201d \u2013 Lynne, 62, Florida (married 31 years)<\/em><\/p>\n

2. Imagine life without your partner<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cMy wife and I talk about this all the time. We imagine what our toughest days would be like without each other. Truthfully, we always agree that we\u2019d make it through. Realistically, we\u2019re each independent and strong enough that we\u2019d be fine. But, it would be terrible. That\u2019s the takeaway: life would be possible without each other, but it wouldn\u2019t be anywhere near as fun, special, or full of great moments. It\u2019s not uncommon for us to ask each other, \u2018Can you imagine if I wasn\u2019t here?\u2019 The answer is usually some variation of, \u2018Yeah. It would suck. I\u2019m glad you are.\u2019\u201d \u2013 Jerry, 56, Maryland (married 30 years)<\/em><\/p>\n

3. Crack jokes<\/h3>\n

\u201cWe got married when we were both almost 40, and our sense of humor has gotten more juvenile every year. Maybe it\u2019s just us, but I don\u2019t think so. We laugh at rude noises. We roll our eyes at each other\u2019s terrible jokes. We love raunchy movies. It\u2019s just that primitive, human sense of humor we both have. So many couples seem to lose that the longer they stay married. There\u2019s this weird pressure to become more civilized or dignified as you get older. We never got that memo, it seems. And when it\u2019s just the two of us, we\u2019re usually cracking up. We\u2019ve stayed in love so long because we\u2019re too busy laughing to be fighting.\u201d \u2013 David, 68, Michigan (married 30 years)<\/em><\/p>\n

4. Don\u2019t be so damn stubborn<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t insist on always having the last word<\/a>. It\u2019s never not worth it. What you think is a fundamental, bedrock principle might actually be just a personal preference not worth having a spat or holding a grudge about. Be open to that possibility. Even if you get your way, it will take a toll. And if you agree to something, abide by the mutual decision. The loss of trust<\/a> is also not worth getting your way. We\u2019ve learned to be responsible for and take ownership of our decisions and actions, and we always try to avoid criticizing or guilting. It never helps. Instead, we try to have constructive conversations about specific behaviors that might be troubling, and we\u2019re each willing to listen to each other\u2019s concerns \u2013 even if they seem trivial.\u201d \u2013 Claude, 68 (married 33 years)<\/em><\/p>\n

5. Choose your own adventure<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201c<\/strong>My marriage has never been easy but it\u2019s always been an adventure. Best advice I can give \u2013 getting married is like going to a theme park. Know who you are and what ride you want to go on. If you want to go on the carousel (stability and serenity) marry that. If you want to go on the roller coaster (risk and adventure) don\u2019t marry someone who\u2019s afraid of speed and heights. The key is to know yourself and what you want before you pledge yourself to a partnership. Then, once you\u2019ve found your match, run your marriage like a good company. Identify each person\u2019s strengths and weaknesses, and delegate those responsibilities accordingly..\u201d \u2013 Kathleen, 57, Nebraska (married 31 years)<\/em><\/p>\n

6. Do the work<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cEveryone has heard the phrase, \u2018opposites attract\u2019, but you don\u2019t really hear the phrase, \u2018opposites keep people together.\u2019 They can, though, if<\/em> you learn how to navigate them. Opposites can create a great deal of conflict over time if you don\u2019t learn how to accept them. It can be a difficult process, but it\u2019s necessary to stay happily married long term. Good marriages don\u2019t just happen. They require a great deal of work and intention. The English language has one word for love. I love my wife and I love spicy food. There is no comparison. Since the term \u2018I love you\u2019 is so confusing and vague it makes sense to define what that means to both of you, even if you\u2019re total opposites.\u201d \u2013 Monte, 64, Florida (married 40 years)<\/em><\/p>\n

7. You won\u2019t always be on the same page<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cAnd that\u2019s okay. Patience and communication are key to any successful relationship, but especially a long-term one. It\u2019s important to remember that you\u2019re not always going to agree about everything. There will be times when you need to listen more than you talk, and times when you need to communicate openly and honestly. You can do this by making time for each other, even when life gets busy. Whether it\u2019s taking a walk after dinner or spending a weekend away together, do everything you can to keep the bond strong.\u201d \u2013 Steve, 49, Arizona (married 26 years)<\/em><\/p>\n

8. Bite your tongue<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cMy rule is: bite your tongue for at least 24-48 hours after before speaking when tensions are high. If you are overly emotional and\/or upset about something, doing so gives you time to cool off and then reflect on the situation with greater space, perspective, calmness, and clarity. If you still want to talk about it, schedule a mutually agreed upon time to do so. Say something like, \u2018I am upset about what you just said\/did, but I want to think about it before we talk.\u2019 Mentally, you\u2019ll be in a much better place.\u201d \u2013 Romy, 52, California (married 26 years)<\/em><\/p>\n

9. Keep each other guessing<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cMy husband is a quiet man. Me? Not so much. I was surprised when he told me how much he loves the fact that he never knows what I\u2019m going to do from one minute to the next. And I appreciate his willingness to try different things. As our unofficial \u2018social secretary,\u2019 I\u2019ve planned trips where he hasn\u2019t really known where we\u2019re going until we get on the plane. Our secret really is just keeping our life interesting. Otherwise, life becomes stale and boring. Do something unexpected from time to time and you\u2019ll learn how much you cherish each other\u2019s company.\u201d \u2013 Carol, 72, Georgia (married 49 years)<\/em><\/p>\n

10. Ask for space when you need it<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cI think many couples are afraid to say, \u2018Hey, I need some time alone, away from you.\u2019 They worry that their partner will take it personally, and so they avoid the conversation completely. Early in our courtship, we were very clear with each other about the fact that we wouldn\u2019t survive marriage if we couldn\u2019t each have our own space. So, we\u2019re not shy with each other when we need a breather. Sometimes it\u2019s just a few hours with a good book. Other times, one of us wants to get a coffee and run errands on a Saturday. The key is being respectful about the request, considering any commitments you might have, and using that time to recharge yourself for the betterment of the relationship.\u201d \u2013 Curt, 64, South Carolina (married for 36 years)<\/em><\/p>\n

11. Learn each other\u2019s love language<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cAny act of love done with the best intentions is good, but knowing how your partner prefers to receive those gestures can make them much more special. My wife\u2019s two love languages are quality time and acts of service. Over the course of our marriage, I\u2019ve learned how happy it makes her when I help out around the house. Simple things, like unloading the dishwasher or flipping the laundry, make her so happy. And because I pitch in, and we work as a team, we\u2019re able to spend more quality time together. You can take the tests and stuff to figure out what each other\u2019s love language is. That\u2019s easy. The more fun part is finding out how you can try to speak to your partner using them every day.\u201d \u2013 Gene, 54, Massachusetts (married 28 years)<\/em><\/p>\n

12. Always kiss goodnight<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cIn all of our years of marriage, I think there have been maybe a dozen times my husband and I haven\u2019t kissed each other goodnight. Even when we\u2019ve had terrible, terrible arguments, we always kiss each other on the cheek, or the forehead, just as a way to remind each other that we\u2019ll get through this. When you don\u2019t want to talk to someone because you\u2019re so angry, it can be hard to say, \u2018I love you.\u2019 Sometimes, you just don\u2019t have the voice. But a quick kiss can say a lot, and for us it has.\u201d \u2013 Renee, 60, Texas (married 31 years)<\/em><\/p>\n

13. Be patient with your spouse \u2014 and yourself<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cYou need to be flexible in a marriage. You need to understand that, if you and your partner truly love each other, you\u2019re not deliberately trying to make things difficult. But, inevitably, there will come times when you just can\u2019t agree. In those times, you need to remember that you both are only human. We used to get upset with each other, and then beat ourselves up pretty badly because we\u2019d think, \u2018I should be better at this\u2026\u201d And our marriage suffered. It wasn\u2019t until we were able to extend grace to ourselves and<\/em> each other, and remind ourselves that we are both still learning how to be better every day that we really grew as a couple.\u201d \u2013 Ray, 47, New York (married 25 years)<\/em><\/p>\n

14. Never assume<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cIf your partner is upset with you, don\u2019t assume you know why. If he\u2019s quiet or down, don\u2019t assume you know why. If you\u2019re<\/em> upset, don\u2019t assume he<\/em> knows why. You have to remember that, no matter how connected you both may be, you\u2019re not mind-readers. You need to communicate as clearly as possible<\/a>, and as frequently as possible. Give each other permission to say you\u2019d rather wait to talk about things, but always let your partner know that you don\u2019t want to assume you know what\u2019s going on.\u201d \u2013 Christine, 51, Connecticut (married 26 years)<\/em><\/p>\n

15. Nurture the friendship<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cRemember that your partner is also your friend. Not every conversation you have should be about life decisions, finances, or being married. I love my marital relationship with my wife, but I\u2019d dare say I love our friendship more. When we get to spend time together \u2018as friends\u2019, we laugh, we joke, and we remember why we\u2019re such a good team. And that helps with our marriage. You wouldn\u2019t want to be on a team without any friends, would you? A marriage is the same idea, and it\u2019s for the rest of your lives. Make sure you always try to make time for that one-of-a-kind friendship.\u201d \u2013 William, 57, Colorado (married 30 years)<\/em><\/p>\n

16. Talk every day<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cEven if it\u2019s just a hello in the morning, or a goodnight before bed. Or a text or email to say hi. Don\u2019t ever let a day go by that you don\u2019t talk to your spouse. For me, even on our worst days, hearing my husband\u2019s voice is a reassurance. I know he feels the same way. We might not want<\/em> to speak to each other, but we know that we\u2019re still committed to each other, and we\u2019ll get past whatever spat we\u2019re facing. For both of us, silence is not an option. And because of that, we find our way back to each other every time.\u201d \u2013 Leanne, 49, Nevada (married 25 years)<\/em><\/p>\n

17. Have your own hobbies<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cOne of the things my wife and I love about each other is our respective passions. She\u2019s an amazing painter, and I love making and building things. She has a room downstairs where she goes and paints for hours at a time, and I\u2019m always so excited for her to open the door and invite me in to see what she\u2019s created. She feels the same way when I come in from the garage with a newly stained chair, or a birdhouse, or something that I\u2019ve been working on. We love talking to each other about our passions, and they give us so many chances to support each other as husband and wife.\u201d \u2013 John, 55, New York (married 35 years)<\/em><\/p>\n

18. Don\u2019t look for flaws<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cIf you actively look for flaws in your partner, you\u2019ll find them. Because no one is perfect, and they are definitely there. Why would anyone want to look for flaws, right? Well, we both found ourselves doing that during some rough patches in our marriage. It was almost like we were playing \u2018Gotcha!\u2019 with each other, trying to prove each other wrong. It took a while to figure out, but we realized that we needed to work together against whatever problem we were facing, instead of using it as an excuse to work against each other. It wasn\u2019t an easy lesson, but it\u2019s probably the most important one we\u2019ve ever learned for the sake of our marriage.\u201d \u2013 Bryan, 48, Indiana (married 26 years)<\/em><\/p>\n

19. Stay intimate<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cIntimacy<\/a> is more than sex. And, as you get older, that\u2019s a great thing to realize. It\u2019s holding each other\u2019s hands. It\u2019s making sure to give each other a kiss before you leave in the morning and as soon as you get home at night. It\u2019s turning off your phones for a night, and just enjoying each other\u2019s company. Physically, we\u2019re not where we used to be. We still make love, but I think we both agree that the intimacy we strive for takes place more outside of the bedroom than in it. And it\u2019s kept us very much in love for a long time.\u201d \u2013 Natalie, 60, North Carolina (married 35 years)<\/em><\/p>\n

20. Eat together<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cIt sounds like a given, but both my wife and I came from families that never sat down to eat together. When we started dating, we realized that sharing a meal was \u2013 and still is \u2013 our favorite thing to do. Breakfast is kind of rushed, and we\u2019re both at work for lunch, but we rarely schedule anything that would disrupt our dinner plans. Even if it\u2019s just crappy take out, and we\u2019ve each still got a lot to do that evening, we commit to sitting down, eating, and enjoying each other\u2019s company for those 20 minutes. It\u2019s a special time for us that\u2019s become the highlight of our days and, for me, our marriage.\u201d \u2013 Peter, 56, Georgia (married for 27 years)<\/em><\/p>\n

21. Communicate your needs<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cOtherwise, your partner will be guessing. Or, even worse, your partner will be fretting over the fact that he or she doesn\u2019t know what you\u2019re thinking. My wife and I can both be catastrophic thinkers. If she\u2019s upset about something but doesn\u2019t tell me what it is, I immediately think it\u2019s something I\u2019ve done. And vice versa. And more often than not, it\u2019s something that has nothing to do with me or us. But the mind can play tricks on you and make you start to wonder. You and your partner will thrive as a couple if you can communicate what\u2019s going on as clearly as possible so that, instead of wondering, you can be present for each other and there to offer support.\u201d \u2013 Richard, 70, Ohio (married 40 years)<\/em><\/p>\n

22. Show gratitude<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cMy husband and I are \u2018overthankers\u2019. That\u2019s what we call it. We always go overboard when we show appreciation<\/a> to someone who\u2019s done something nice for us. And that\u2019s because we both sincerely appreciate a genuine \u2018Thank You\u2019. That\u2019s why we make sure, no matter how small or large the gesture, to say it to each other whenever we can. Sometimes it\u2019s obvious, like if one of us gets the other one a gift. Other times, it could be, \u2018Thank you for taking the garbage out last night. I appreciate it.\u2019 My husband has taken the garbage out every week for almost 35 years, and I always remember to say, \u2018Thank you.\u2019 It\u2019s a small gesture, but we both appreciate it every time.\u201d \u2013 Robin, 60, Arizona (married 34 years)<\/em><\/p>\n

23. Learn how to apologize<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cYou have to remember that there are many reasons to apologize<\/a>. You can apologize for something you did or didn\u2019t do. You can apologize for something you said or didn\u2019t say. You can apologize just for the sake of wanting to end a disagreement and move on. Apologizing doesn\u2019t necessarily mean you concede or believe what you did was wrong. It means that the situation resulted in something \u2014 like hurt feelings or miscommunications \u2014 that made your partner feel bad. And that\u2019s the last thing you want to see when you love someone. Not every argument<\/a> is going to end with one person being right and the other person being wrong. Putting aside that ego so that you can move on and grow stronger is much more important, we think.\u201d \u2013 Robert, 63, Michigan (Married 33 years)<\/em><\/p>\n

24. Don\u2019t keep score<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cIf you start looking at your marriage like a point system, you\u2019re never going to be happy. When we were younger, we would constantly bicker about shared responsibilities. One of us would feel like we did more housework one week, while the other one would feel like they worked longer hours. Or one of us would feel like we didn\u2019t get enough credit for doing X, Y, and Z, while the other didn\u2019t feel enough appreciation for A, B, and C. It was a lose\/lose situation. It wasn\u2019t until we realized that we were both working hard to create a good life and a happy household that we stopped nitpicking. Instead, we just helped each other when we could, and did our best to be partners on the same team.\u201d \u2013 Alyce, 71 (married 39 years)<\/em><\/p>\n

25. Choose your stress<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cThis is great marriage advice and, really, great life advice. You can only handle so much stress in one day, as an individual and as part of a family. As we\u2019ve both gotten older, we\u2019ve realized that we\u2019re more capable of choosing what we want to stress over, and that\u2019s what we do. What might have seemed like a huge deal 20 years ago \u2014 an annoying neighbor, or unexpected car trouble, for example \u2014 has really been put into perspective by all we\u2019ve gotten through together. If you can accept that you\u2019ll have stressors in your life, you can train yourself to decide which ones you\u2019ll let affect you and your marriage. And, more importantly, which ones you won\u2019t.\u201d \u2013 Karl, 57, Oregon (married 30 years<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

4.26.2022 Getty Images\/ MoMo Productions Marriage advice is easy to ignore until you need it. Who hasn\u2019t rolled their eyes at such trite aphorisms as \u201cSay sorry even if you don\u2019t mean it\u201d or \u201cDon\u2019t go to bed angry\u201d? These phrases tend to leak out of people\u2019s mouths around weddings and anniversaries but are barely Read More…<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":17265,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[1467,59,1],"tags":[1468],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17261"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=17261"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17261\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":17266,"href":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17261\/revisions\/17266"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/17265"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=17261"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=17261"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/test.nahtnow.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=17261"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}